because

you can't rely on anyone but yourself. People you love and know to their core and trust will disappoint you, lie to you, hurt you, steal from you, betray you. That is a lesson I have learned from every member of my family at one point or another. Every single one. So why add another life to the chain of connectedness that is already tying you down? My sister cried to me this evening telling me how this was not the life she envisioned when she met her husband. Is it ever? Did my mom, my dad, my other siblings, anyone, ever get the life they envisioned? No, because the only thing you can control is yourself, but they placed their destiny in someone else's hands. And, no surprise here, were disappointed. Sure, a lot of joy was created through those relationships, but can't we create joy by ourselves? I envision a life where I make the choice every day where I am and who I'm around. I don't want to be tied to someone legally or really even emotionally. I'm scared of disappointment and rather than facing it, I am hoping to create a life where you don't ever have to face it, but can still be happy. If your friends disappoint you, you get new friends, but if your family disappoints you, what then? Anyone out there in cyberspace who has stumbled across this post, please advise. *Sigh* this is therapeutic!

Why not...

Here goes, another crack at blogging. But isn't this just a journal you can't tell everything to and can't access all the time because you don't have internet access on your phone? Which begs the question, why does your broke brother have a blackberry and you have a hand me down phone, but he is the one asking you for $50? Or is that just me?

Anyway, I guess the story/drama of today that I should unload on this blog is why I'm so connected to my family and why I can't tell them no. I am the one who saves my money and works hard and doesn't splurge on myself, but all that leaves me with is the title designated family bank/line of credit. FML. Or, should I say (here, as I never say in real life) FMFamily. There is a Mary Oliver poem I love that I think about when my mind regresses to how much of a burden (this half of) my family is sometimes.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

I wish I had the bravery to follow through with it. To save my life and sanity, but it all feels so selfish. Maybe it's one reason I don't want to have kids. To me, family has been a huge burden. Yes, we have had good times and I do love them, but this is certainly not the family I would have chose. Most families are f-ed up; I would have chosen a life of choice -- each day waking up and being able to ask myself "is this what you want today?" and being able, more importantly, to change it if not, simply by changing myself. Moving, finding new friends, a new life. Because you cannot change others, no matter how hard you try. What do I do? Continue this way? I have already resigned myself to living in D. because of the proximity to these people whose life I must constantly mend and the low cost of living which will help me support my family. And NO!! G-f-ing-D This is not just my fantasy that I am needed. Yes, they would survive if I fell off the face of the planet, but I have not, yet, and they are dependent. But I should try harder to wean them off of me... how...? Just say no? We saw how well that worked for the youth and drugs. Per usual, it's not that simple. And it's also easier to give in than to feel guilty and realize that if I'm not loaning them money they will just pawn their junk or take out loans with huge interest rates. It's not like I'm loaning them money to get their hair done, but on the other hand, it does all go in to the same pot, right? Literally, I'm sure. F.

Why do I love them? If not through our mutual realization of the accident of our births from the same mother I would care less about these people. I mean, I'd feel bad for them, but it would not be my problem. I would go on my happy, independent life. Maybe that's why I crave freedom and unattachment so badly, so deeply, so blindly. But for now, I will work a job I don't love and live in a city I don't love, so that I can provide for the people I do love. Is there another way?

Chances the Traveler Has to Take

"We wake up one day and find that we have lost our dreams in order to protect our days. Don't let yourself become one of those people. The fear of the unknown and the lure of the comfortable will conspire to keep you from taking the chances the traveler has to take. But if you take them, you will never regret your choice..."

I, like many people I'm sure, often wake up wondering why I am alternately toiling away and slacking off in work that doesn't fulfill me in the least when there is an incredible world of adventure and possibility waiting for me to explore. I am working toward a goal that is not my deepest desire, but is instead a safe route that is known to ensure wealth and (likely) premature death due to stress. On the other hand, my imagination is not yet full enough to envision a life other than working hard, making money, driving a nice car, living in a nice neighborhood, and being able to take my family on nice trips. I cannot see myself living paycheck to paycheck working the fields of a vineyard or running a bed and breakfast, even though those are two of my "dreams." I got the above quote a little after I returned from a semester abroad in West Africa. I promised myself I would return and take the chances I needed to take to squeeze the most out of life. Not long after that I had the opportunity to go to India, but hesitated, and ultimately missed out, because of my fear or the political unrest and my fear of spending my entire savings on one trip. That is not the person I want to be, but alas, actions speak louder than words and I stayed home, safe and sound, to spend the money on clothes, dinners and drinks, and peace of mind.

Now I am in law school, doing essentially the same thing. I am safe and sound in an incredible ivory tower paradise, indebting myself to the tune of about $100k by the time I pay them all off, so that I can ultimately earn a J.D. and work ridiculous hours making more money. Then I will be happy... right? My fear is that I am losing my dreams to protect my days, but I am not quite convinced my dreams will make me happier. The grass is always greener, and my experience working at a non-profit assures me that money makes the world go round. But what makes me go round? Money and safety or adventure and risk? Am I just glamorizing a life of working for myself and living paycheck to paycheck or is that really what I want to do? And if so, why am I spending yet another beautiful Sunday working on a brief?

Building Your House

(taken from another blog, author unknown)

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business to live a more leisurely life with his wife and enjoy his extended family. He would miss the paycheck each week, but he wanted to retire. They could get by.

The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go & asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but over time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.

When the carpenter finished his work, his employer came to inspect the house. Then he handed the front-door key to the carpenter and said, “This is your house… my gift to you.”

The carpenter was shocked!

What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.

So it is with us. We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then, with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built. If we could do it over, we would do it much differently.

But, you cannot go back. You are the carpenter, and every day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Someone once said, “Life is a do-it-yourself project.” Your attitude, and the choices you make today, help build the “house” you will live in tomorrow. Therefore, Build wisely!

What is it all for?

I was asking myself this yesterday. What are we doing here, and why? On a very narrow level, this question came up because I made the very good decision to quit one of my many extracurriculars. I realized that I was not doing it for myself, per se, but rather doing it because I felt an external pressure to pad my resume. It "looks good" to say you are involved in this particular activity. After realizing I was putting more energy into it at the expense of other areas of my life, I decided enough was enough. Of course, upon reflection maybe this is just me once again giving up long term gain for short term gratification. Won't I be a better employee and scholar if I commit to working on this project? Sure I will. But actually, in the long term I don't want to be remembered as the person who was the go to woman for cite checking or blue booking. I want to be remembered as the friend who was there when you needed her, the woman who knew what was going on in the world (have only seen headlines on the earthquake in Haiti), and the zen master who was the queen of her castle. I cannot accomplish these if I'm bargaining with (unnamed extracurricular) for my own spare time!

*Breathe* I also fell off track today of my laser like focus. I was good until dinner, but then dinner turned into lengthy conversations, which blended into a study break, which enabled us to watch a scary tv show, which forced us to cleanse our minds with "Friends" so as to not get any nightmares. All of a sudden I look up and its almost 11 pm and I realize like a physical blow that I have not been the person I want to be for the past few hours. I love hanging out with my friends and know that efficiency around the clock is not sustainable, but I can't help feeling disappointed in myself for not being more productive and, more importantly, not acting out my desire.

I started a new meditation today and the goal is to live out your desire. Essentially, we all have desires in life, but few of us achieve them. If we guide each step toward realizing our desires, however, we are much more likely to be in the "lucky" few who do realize them. And like the old saying goes -- shoot for the moon; even if you miss, you land among the stars. So my inner desire is to be the type of woman I am proud of -- balanced, ambitious, with the right priorities and relationships. My outer desire is to win back the love of my life. Will keep you posted on how each goes!

And a quote that will get me past the hours I wasted watching tv today, and the months I wasted not being the person I want to become:

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson

that was longer than I expected

(that's what she said.)

But my post was longer than I expected when I first stared at the screen unsure of what to write on. Maybe I'm a blogger after all!

I did tell myself that I would share my love of quotes in this blog so here are some about regrets that are hopeful, but don't glamorize regret the way most quotes do:

“Although you should not erase your responsibility for the past, when you make the past your jailer, you destroy your future. It is such a great moment of liberation when you learn to forgive yourself, let the burden go, and walk out into a new path of promise and possibility.”

"If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world."

“Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.”

Not witty enough to come up with a good title...

but it is only my second day at this blog thing, cut me some slack! I guess I am just supposed to write my feelings?? Thoughts? Things that pop up throughout the day? Well, I was very productive today, definitely a gold star day. I am liking this focus on making each hour count for the short and long term approach. I have a very close friend who is resolving this year to be less caught up with efficiency, but I think I need to resolve the exact opposite. In the past months I have been so focused on squeezing pleasure and instant gratification out of the moments ("just do what makes you happy, it may be different every day...") and was slapped with the realization one day that I was doing what made me happy each day, but had nothing to show for the previous months. I mean, I survived a semester academically and even secured a summer job already, but internally, what do I have to show for the past semester? I did make tons of friends, a result of my networking skills which will be handy in my career, but even that feels empty in comparison to what I could have been spending my time doing. Regrets? I've had a few...

speaking of which, I was always the girl who tried to convince myself, and others, that nothing was to be regretted, for everything we have done has brought us to this unique, blessed moment. I am a glass half full girl, for sure, and regrets seem to have no part in my outlook on life and the mystery of why. But from a more practical standpoint, I am pretty sure that as far as the existence of regrets is concerned, I have been deceiving myself for a long time. Is there anything I would go back and change if given the opportunity? YES! But does my faith assure me that it is impossible and thus fruitless to dwell on this? YES. So I pretend to live without regret, but that is just a slap in the face to those who most suffered the consequences of the decisions I would change had I another chance. But I don't. So... I wake up each morning since yesterday, the first day of the rest of my life, resolved to live presently so as to not have any regrets, rather than living in the future (the whole "everything happens for a reason we can't yet understand" theology), ignoring the past so as to bury any regrets.

We'll see...