What is it all for?

I was asking myself this yesterday. What are we doing here, and why? On a very narrow level, this question came up because I made the very good decision to quit one of my many extracurriculars. I realized that I was not doing it for myself, per se, but rather doing it because I felt an external pressure to pad my resume. It "looks good" to say you are involved in this particular activity. After realizing I was putting more energy into it at the expense of other areas of my life, I decided enough was enough. Of course, upon reflection maybe this is just me once again giving up long term gain for short term gratification. Won't I be a better employee and scholar if I commit to working on this project? Sure I will. But actually, in the long term I don't want to be remembered as the person who was the go to woman for cite checking or blue booking. I want to be remembered as the friend who was there when you needed her, the woman who knew what was going on in the world (have only seen headlines on the earthquake in Haiti), and the zen master who was the queen of her castle. I cannot accomplish these if I'm bargaining with (unnamed extracurricular) for my own spare time!

*Breathe* I also fell off track today of my laser like focus. I was good until dinner, but then dinner turned into lengthy conversations, which blended into a study break, which enabled us to watch a scary tv show, which forced us to cleanse our minds with "Friends" so as to not get any nightmares. All of a sudden I look up and its almost 11 pm and I realize like a physical blow that I have not been the person I want to be for the past few hours. I love hanging out with my friends and know that efficiency around the clock is not sustainable, but I can't help feeling disappointed in myself for not being more productive and, more importantly, not acting out my desire.

I started a new meditation today and the goal is to live out your desire. Essentially, we all have desires in life, but few of us achieve them. If we guide each step toward realizing our desires, however, we are much more likely to be in the "lucky" few who do realize them. And like the old saying goes -- shoot for the moon; even if you miss, you land among the stars. So my inner desire is to be the type of woman I am proud of -- balanced, ambitious, with the right priorities and relationships. My outer desire is to win back the love of my life. Will keep you posted on how each goes!

And a quote that will get me past the hours I wasted watching tv today, and the months I wasted not being the person I want to become:

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson